Dancing With The Stars. It might as well be called Dancing With My Heart. Let's recap.
Lil Kim. The first time she ever watched Dancing With The Stars was in prison? Could not stop laughing at the quote, omg! Kept thinking she looked a little thick for the outfit they put her in but eh, it was OK. She danced well considering it was the first dance this season. I thought they scored her a little high.
Belinda Carlisle. What's wrong with her face? No really, what did she do? Is that Botox or some wired eye work she had done? Yikes, whatever it is it doesn't look good. During her dance she basically got dragged around the floor and let Maksim do all the work.
Lawrence Taylor. I thought overall her was kind of stiff but had good footwork. Really though, can we get a mob together and just take Edyta out of the picture? Her perfect body really makes me want to punch her. Get a pimple or a fat roll or something. Gosh!
Steve-O. Wow, was very impressed. He looked like he was taking it so seriously and honestly whatever criticism they gave him, I totally didn't see it. He should have scored higher, no one else got as big of a standing ovation out of the crowd as he did.
Gilles Marini. I don't know what Cheryl was talking about when she said he didn't have a fan base, because he can come kick it on my fan base any day of the week. Could this man have any nicer of an ass? No, he can't, that's as scrumptious as it gets. Also, his footwork was up there on a professional level.
Chuck Wicks. Hated, hated, hated the tails on his tux. So distracting. At one point he looked like he was trying to strangle Julianne. I felt bad for her, that's shit's gotta leave a bruise.
Hey look, Holly Madison replaced Jewel. Her timing was so bad. Beyond bad. She looked like she had no idea where she was, but anyone who ever watched The Girls Next Door knows that she always looks like that. She needs to come out of her shell or she's not going to last long.
Ty Murray. Jewel's husband. Looked really nervous, told the judges he got nervous, looked really awkward but in kind of an endearing way. Total stress basket! I'll be very surprised if he's not the first to go.
Shawn Johnson. Does this bitch have veneers? Her Hilary Duff teeth were like a lighthouse to my eyes. Almost made me miss that she danced really well. Not sure about Mark burying his face in her 17 year old chest bone at the end, but eh, no one else seemed to mind.
Steve Wozniak. Such nerdy awkwardness, and why was he so flamboyant on the floor? I'm glad he didn't get all sweaty like in the rehearsal footage, though the fact that they showed him on his Segway was beyond hilarious. He'll be the second to go after Ty I'm sure.
David Allen Grier. Totally forgot he was even on this show. Clunky footwork. He'll probably stick around while by default. His face bugs me.
Denise Richards. Crazy bitch! Whoever did her hair and makeup obviously hates her. Those were the grossest fake eyelashes I've ever seen. Was she chewing gum? I'm sure she wasn't but it really looked like she was chewing gum. The dirty look she gave Melissa backstage was priceless.
Melissa Rycroft. They really hyped the fact that she only had two days to rehearse, and wow she did great. I'm sure is helped that she is cute as a little baby button, but for her to score better than people who had several weeks to prepare is totes drama.
Actual scores after the jump.
Gilles and Cheryl: 24
Melissa and Tony: 23
Shawn and Mark: 23
Lil Kim and Derek: 21
Chuck and Julianne: 20
David Allen and Kym: 19
Denise and Maksim: 18
Holly and Dmitry: 18
Belinda and Jonathan: 17
Steve-O and Lacey: 17
Lawrence and Edyta: 16
Ty and Chelsie: 14
Woz and Karina: 13